Making the Cut

Anonymous asked: Hair. What the heck? 

A simple question to be sure. Yet the answer is far from effortless. I believe I speak for all gentlemen (with the possible exception of James Dean, John Hamm, and that Robert Pattingson guy who were all born with god-like, perfect locks) when I say that all of us at one time or another have been plagued with the wretched dilemma of what to do with the unsightly growth mound atop our heads. Curly, straight, wavy, receding all seem to work against us at the least opportune moments of life, tempting us all incessantly to just take it all off and be done with it. Yet somehow, we manage to fight through for the off chance that tomorrow may be that bi-yearly good hair day.  So for those of us determined to gain the victory over our ravenous, rebellious coifs, I've compiled the absolute basic rules for bringing every gentleman as close to harmony with his mane as possible.

#1: Love Thy Barber As Thyself

Once I got old enough to pay someone other than my mother to cut my dynamic do, I made the awful mistake of never returning to the same barber/stylist/follicle technician or what have you. While there's certainly nothing wrong with shopping around for the right man with a set of clippers, in my experience it led to some horrendously bad haircuts--the kind on which you spend hours making it look like you don't care and meant to butcher it to this extreme. Finally, after years of being a salon tramp, I found a stylist who delivers a fantastic cut and intelligent conversation in a convenient 15 minute package for the right price. I guess what I'm getting at is, settle down. Find a barber who treats you right and stick with him for life--it take all the stress out of the ordeal when you don't have to worry about planning events two-weeks after a possible disaster of a buzz.

#2 Don't Park on the Wrong Trend   

I get it, I get it. You're older now and don't have time to keep up with the latest trends in fashion and style so you just rock what you had going on back in your prime years as every lady's dream man. The problem is...you parked your style on perhaps the most hideous and downright inhumane trend the third planet from our sun has ever seen. Sure, everyone just loves your stories about the "Playa" days when you were hot stuff on the strip, but 30 years has taken a toll on the old physique, eyesight, and balding remains of your vomit-inducing mullet and mutton-chop combo. No, you're not "bringing it back" or "paying homage to the Old Days," you're simply creating hours of entertainment for the faithful readers of PeopleOfWalmart.com. But if you or someone you love is a victim of this travesty, don't blame yourself--blame the barber you've visited for the last 30 years that has allowed you to maintain this style blasphemy. And in fact, maybe you should thank him for letting you walk around looking like a cast member from Deliverance all these years by taking him out on a nice afternoon drive. Then simply park on a railroad crossing, and leap from the vehicle as the speeding freight train teaches your insidious barber a lesson.

#3 Keep it Sharp, and Classic  

The trick to rocking exceptionally cool hair that is the rage all over the style world right now is looking like a 60s movie star even when you're off duty (See John Hamm, above).  Keep your hair cut close and short along the sides and back and then let it grow long up top. Add a small dash of styling cream and just let your locks go tousled--the result is that effortless cool look of greats like James Dean and Paul Newman. But perhaps the coolest part about this modern trend is that it demonstrates a retreat-to-basics by the style world, if only for a while. So here's the ultimate rule: We all know at some point in our late 70s we may not want to be combing through the latest GQ to find the most audaciously trendy haircut for the fall season of 2048. Style parking is inevitable to some degree. The key is, when you park on the hairstyle you're going to be buried in, go with something classic--the go-to gentlemanly cut that speaks for itself (and for your head shape). See Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, JFK in the 60s, or the close-cropped do's rocked by everyone from Jason Statham to Justin Timberlake. Remember: Fashion may come and go, but style never dies. Watch your head gentleman, and keep it as sharp on the outside as it is on the inside.