Respect the Beard: A Grooming Guide Written by Whiskers on Strike

On behalf of all the abused, tortured, and ridiculed whiskers out there in this cruel world, I would like to dedicate this post to addressing some of your grievances as well as to call attention to some of the atrocities that you have endured for far too long.  We as believers of equality for all must halt the spread of these horrific acts and vow to do our part to ensure each and every whisker has a chance at growth into something refined and distinguished.  This abuse will not continue...not by the hair on our chiny-chin chins.    

A gentleman's facial hair is by far the most mistreated part of his body.  No other bodily appendage is subject to being daily sliced away, removed by laser, fried and peeled away by wax--or worst of all, forced to face the world in a variety of hideous and deliberate shapes.  Most would ignore this crime, but I have heard their cry, and they have voiced that they do not wish to be a part of these style offenses any longer.  So, with no further appeal to your heart-strings, I turn to your stomach--which hopefully will be turned with sickness by the time you view all of these horrendous crimes of facial hair in modern men.

THE CRIMINAL ACTS AGAINST WHISKERS

THE MISDEMEANOR: "The Stache"

I should note at the very beginning of this offense report that this is merely a misdemeanor for good reason.  Despite what it has been sodomized into being over the last few decades, there are a few (very few) times when this sort of whisker arrangement is acceptable.  One being that you are Tom Selleck, and two that you can keep it groomed, thin, and de-waxed enough to ensure you appear more like the 70s versions of Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds than modern perverts.  In general, I must insist this is a seriously bad idea.  As many of the anorexic mustache-yielding hipster models for American Apparel can attest, pale and stached ususally spells a contestant on To Catch A Predator.  In fact if you check out above, one of the most successful genocidal maniacs in history sported such a facial accoutrement--the one and only Joseph Stalin.  Proceed with caution on this one.  The style world might not write you a ticket if you're a middle-aged man who has the leathery face and sledge hammer fists to pull it off.  To those men, my hat goes off, but this is certainly not for the youngster, hipster, or slim-palester.


Additional variations on this lead to disaster as well, including the handle-bar, the pencil thin, and of course the ghastly, wax-curled editions.  The Civil War is over.  The South lost because they couldn't see past those unwashed, concrete hard protruding pieces of facial hair art. 

THE FELONY: "The Neckbeard"

This aptly named whisker atrocity has apparently made the trend jump from 1800s blokes like Henry David Thoreau to unkempt, beer gut yielding 6th-year seniors at American universities.  While this beard type was perhaps first invented as a means to skip the scarf on frigid winter mornings, it has instead become a sort of apathetic rebellious gesture to the rules of hygiene.  Its uses include catching falling globs of food, making your face look 8 inches longer, and shielding your Adam's apple from others who may desire proof that you can actually swallow.  The truth is, there is absolutely no reason on earth why you should take the time to shave every other part of your face, only to leave the most ghastly bits behind to continue some nappy excursion to a reunion with your chest hair.  Keep the hair on your chiny-chin chin, not underneath it.  
 
THE ACT OF TERRORISM, PUNISHABLE BY DEATH:  "The Chin Strap Beard"

  This is without question the most horrific, eye-gouging nightmare of a beard ever to befall mankind.  Why whiskers everywhere have ever had to endure such a public display of mindless, self-absorbed debauchery is beyond my comprehension.  In fact if any of you out there are guilty of this vomit-inducing spectacle, please do us all a favor and the next time you decide to pull out your tweezers and Mach 7 razor to painstakingly sculpt this mind-boggling disaster, place your head down between your knees, press the aforementioned utensils forcefully into your jugular and let gravity do the rest.  Any "beard" (to use the term painfully loosely) that requires a chalk line and laser leveler to create should be considered a public offense.  If there are any women left reading this who have not excused themselves to the bathroom to cram a stick of lip balm in their eye from viewing the above picture...I'll give you time to do that now.  Otherwise, it should be mentioned that in my opinion, EVERY woman should view this facial hair abomination as equal to the stache made popular by the late Mr. Adolf Hitler.  No good can come from it.  Truthfully, my mind ceases to be able to conjure any more words to describe the enormity of this utterly retarded beard style crime.  Perhaps one day the world will invent a language which can adequately produce the words to illustrate the absolutely absurd nature of this incomprehensibly popular train wreck.  Until then, we normal people will continue to carry around large hot wax strips in our briefcases and will not hesitate to relieve you of your misfortune whenever the opportunity presents itself.      

THE SOLUTION

START TRIM

The solution is rather simple--just let your beard grow.  After all, that's why God gave you those hair follicles all over your face (or at least most of us).  Take the next 3-day weekend or vacation and just skip the razor or if your job allows, start some scruff through the work week.  If you've got fine, non-patchy type facial hair that starts to look wiry once if gets too long, keep it trimmed short, but keep it all there--no sculpting into odd shapes.  This is an especially cool look if you've got a close crop up top, such as Jason Statham or Coldplay's Chris Martin (below).      

 If you're the kind of guy that has a face full of thick hair, try growing it full.  This is an especially stylish look if you keep it neatly groomed and you've got a great head of tousled hair (see Mad Men's Jon Hamm above).  Just make sure to shave your neck up to the jawline.  This ensures you don't end up looking like you've rolled out of a cardboard box and bicycled your way to work.  Also, make sure to shave those whiskers that begin trekking up towards your eyeballs.  Your beard/scruff should be neatly trimmed, but not overly sculpted.  

If you're the kind of guy that can grow an all-out ZZ Top beard, you might want to do some serious thinking on such a commitment.  But if you've got that certain type of artistic swag about yourself or fancy yourself a scholar of some type, then go for it.  While the ZZ beard is truly a remarkable endeavor, stick to something a little less life-altering.  Like these below:

Dan Auerbach from The Black Keys

The Beatles

  Still unsure of what to do with your beard?  Well, if you're a film buff I'd recommend checking out some of the more classic films for inspiration.  Check out the original heroes and villains and notice their grooming habits.  Chances are, you'll notice something of a pattern--a pattern that GQ Magazine summarized in the below representation:

So what began as a protest on behalf of whiskers worldwide, has now ended with some perhaps helpful advice for the modern, refined gentleman.  A well groomed man, in all respects, is one to be the main attraction of any setting.  Don't take your love for rebel style, fantasy cinema, and the desire for individuality to a level where hygiene is cast aside.  No matter who you are, beard or no beard, the refined man of today keeps it clean, sharp, and smart.  So as a final testament to the validity of my raving rules of beard etiquette, I leave you with a short and hilarious ditty about a woman's love for beards.  The aptly named "Beard Song" is by British ukulele artist Sophie Madeline, whose lovely accent makes this song exponentially more entertaining.  Keep it together, men...Enjoy.

Style Geometry 101: Learn the Art of Fitting Your Shape

Design by Mark Weaver

About a week ago, I received this question from one of my faithful, dedicated readers and it got my mind churning with possibilities:

"I am a fairly large fellow, and find that really the only dressy role model I have seen for someone like me is Kelsey Grammer and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, are there more you know about that size and taste?"

So rather than merely addressing this question with a simple list (as that would be all too easy) I've decided to dedicate this post to the issue of style geometry.  As anyone who's ventured into a Golden Corral on a Sunday afternoon can attest, not every male body was die cast in the chiseling department of the Pitt & Statham factory.  In fact, a question from the remarkable Newlywed Game once observed, that gentlemen (or husbands in this case) often fall into one of the categories of buffed, puffed, stuffed, or not nearly enough.

As fate would have it, there comes a time in a man's life (usually during that atrocious and painfully uncoordinated, hellish saga known as the "preteen awkard stage") that he looks into the mirror and realizes that if he, like the predators of the African savanna, ever hopes to snatch one of these elusive females as his friend and companion, he's got to do something with himself.  Because the truth is, it doesn't matter what your size or shape, a sharp and refined gentleman is a catch for any lady.  Unfortunately however, this is a notion lost on the fashion world at large.  I do not believe I would be remiss to say that I have often observed the traditional off-the-rack men's attire only to find myself wondering what horridly boxy and broad-shouldered Neanderthal with a freakishly large gluteus did the designer get to model their clothing?  The modern gentleman comes in various shapes and sizes, and unfortunately, it takes some effort for those of us without the Hollywood physique to make it work in the style department.  But fear not, my friends.  In response to my friend's question above and for the benefit of the diverse population of modern gents in the world, I've compiled some of the most essential tips and guidelines to get the perfect fit for every guy.  This is Style Geometry 101: Learning to fit and suit your shape.

TYPE #1:  The Shawty (Get Low, Get Low!)  

Or "The Short Man" for those of you lacking in R&B lingo.  Our first body type that can be difficult to fit is the short guy.  If you're plagued by a height deficit, you know the feeling all too well of trying on pants and jackets only to find they always seem to look like your father's--sleeves down to your knuckles and pants that bunch up like Fred Durst at your ankles.  While a tailor can certainly help out to some degree, they aren't always miracle workers.  Take some pointers from Jesse Eisenberg (pictured right) who stands at only 5'8".  First of all, the Social Network star keeps things slim and fitted--slim tie, slim lapels, slim shoes, tapered pants, no pleats.  He also avoids adding cuffs to his pant legs--a big mistake for shorter gentlemen as it makes your legs appear stubby.  The streamlined look of the suit (or whatever wardrobe option you're considering) works seamlessly together to make you look 10 miles longer.  Additionally, Eisenberg realizes that the "S" at the end of those numbers on the inside of suit jackets...are for him.  If you're missing the "tall" part but still want to keep the "dark and handsome," then admit it to yourself and go with short-sized jackets.  It'll make a world of difference when you look ready for the red carpet rather than the junior high ball.       


TYPE #2:  The Bean-Pole

  "The perils and atrocities that often plague the runway."

Without a doubt the body type that I sympathize with the most is the lanky, tall and skinny toothpick option.  While critical members of our other body type categories may argue that this type is perhaps the easiest kind to fit, such a task is actually harder than one might think.  While it is true that the vast majority of male runway fashion models are the size of Number 2 pencils and high dollar designer labels seem to cater to them, there are two major problems for the bean-pole gentleman that many overlook.  First, is that the anorexic models hired by these high-priced designers for their shows are sporting precisely that--high-priced designer clothing.  This becomes a problem only if you happen to be a tall and lanky individual who hasn't recently received a sizable check from a drug cartel with which to purchase a shirt and a pair of socks from one of these companies.  Secondly, the fashions and styles depicted on the runway (by these twig-sized models) are many times very similar to the winged, grandiloquent outfits of the Victoria Secret Show--pretty to look at and good for inspiration, but not very practical and often result in incarceration if worn in public. (see above, which is neither pretty or good for anything but the garbage) 
       There is hope for us, however.  Rather than marching to the nearest Banana Republic, ordering their boxiest suit and begging a tailor or witchdoctor to try to fix it to your specifications, try stores that offer more European-cut clothing.  While this initially sounds like a ridiculously expensive alternative, there are actually several stores in the United States such as Zara and Topman that import their clothing from Europe (the UK mainly) and manage to keep their prices at a very reasonable level.  After years of looking like a malnourished giant with a muffin top from the blousing dress shirts of American department stores, I discovered a Zara Man store in a mall in Houston.  I never buy dress pants or suits anywhere else.  The fit is perfect for a lanky frame, giving even more credence to the fact that everything is cooler in Britain.  Another tip is to use accessories such as tie bars, pocket squares, and even vests to help offset the fact that there's such a long distance between your neck and your belt.  Some of my favorite inspirations for this body type are Conan O'Brien, who stands an impressive 6'4".  For years, my favorite talk show host has used his incredible lankiness to merely enhance his comedic presence, and always looks blasted cool and sharp doing it.

TYPE #3: Big Man On...well, Anywhere.         

So although it's taken us a while to get to it, this is the type of body type I know my friend and loyal reader who posted the initial question to be.  Very tall, and not the least bit lanky.  The type of gentleman who can also fall through the cracks in the world of the right fit because he is many times too tall for department stores and outlets, but does not exhibit the "big" role as defined by the "Big & Tall" selections.  Luckily there exist "long" sizes for jackets in many stores.  Try one on and see if the fit is right.  Depending on the type of suit, a "regular" may fit just fine.  Also, try to steer clear of three-button jackets or high-V vests.  This tends to accentuate the longevity of your frame.  Stick with a solid two-button suit, a lower-V vest, or Italian-cut shirts.  This will help to bring the eye to the V-shape of your torso and broadness of your shoulders without making you look like a giant.  Depending on how formal the occasion, decide whether to ditch the pocket square as it may bring to much attention to your already forward chest.  Also, be sure to anchor the look with a solid shoe.  Not one that makes you look like Frankenstein's monster, but a slim, rounded-toe shoe that completes the streamline of the look.  Once you've got your shoe, consider telling your tailor to give you a moderate break and possible cuffs on your pants.  As mentioned above in the "Short Man" segment, cuffs are usually only a good idea for guys above 6'2" or 6'3".  But the combination of a little break and a cuff in your trousers can really help to lessen the look of your mile-long legs. 

As far as some style role models, I think Kelsey Grammer and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are perfect.  Some of my additions would be Javier Bardem (who looks insanely similar to Morgan anyway but has that Spanish cool about him) and LeBron James (6'8").  While I wouldn't necessarily follow their style on the court, the conferences I've seen with the likes of James and others like Kobe Bryant have proven to me that these guys know how to clean up well when the occasion calls for it.

TYPE #4: The "Round"-About Gentleman

Think portlier gentlemen can't be as blasted cool as those with a slimmer physique?  Think again.  Take a pointer or six from one of the most inspirational and charismatic leaders in the history of the world--Winston Churchill.  This is a man who literally became the face of hope and courage in a war of fear, cruelty, and oppression--and he did it all with his own personal Battle of the Bulge raging underneath his waistcoat.  Here's a couple of his tips:
First, wear a pocket square.  Check out the picture to the left of Mr. Churchill.  The pocket square does wonders at diverting the eye to your chest, where it belongs.  Second, although not shown in this particular picture, ditch the belt-cinching and try out some suspenders.  These elastic wonders are another example of mid-century resurgences that can be worn with pride on the modern man.  Finally, button up your coat.  While the style novice may argue that this will accentuate your extra love, it actually helps to slim out your profile by bringing everything in together.  Just be sure not to button the bottom button of your jacket.  This only worsens the problem.

Of course the main commandment for every body type is to "LOVE THY TAILOR AS THYSELF."  No matter who you are, every suit or dress pant off the rack is going to need some adjustment for that perfect fit to your frame.  But be careful.  A tailor can do some pretty amazing things with an inch to an inch and a half of extra fabric, but any more than that is asking for trouble.  The kind of trouble that has the pockets on your newest trousers so close together they look like one giant kangaroo pouch.  As a rule, start small.  Find the jacket, vest, or pant, that is too tight for you to move in and then go a size up and see how that feels.  The old rules of being able to curl your hands over the sleeves of your jacket are out.  Keep it fitted to your body and not like you're wishing and praying to grow into your duds one day.  Learn the art of Style Geometry, find your shape, do the math, and get to it!

Consulted Source:  "Suit Your Shape." GQ Magazine, Aug 2007.

Throwback Style: The Guide to the Modern Mid-Century Swag

The resurgence of Noir.  If you've missed it, chances are you've also missed some of the best films of the past two decades.  While the original film noir period is considered to stretch from the 1940s to the 1950s, the sub genre of Neo-Noir has risen in the past years keeping this classic era alive and well in modern cinema.  Elements of this genre are found in numerous modern films such as Memento, Road to Perdition, L.A. Confidential, Inception, and even in the upcoming film The Adjustment Bureau.  Everything from movies, to TV shows (Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire), to comic books (Marvel Noir) have latched on to this genre because of its inherently cool, classic, throwback atmosphere.  Thankfully for this blog, this resurgence of Mid-Century class has also infiltrated the style world and brought back some of the most essential pieces for any gentleman, past or present.

Take a look at any of the movies listed above, or better yet go Google "men's style of the 1950s."  Got that?  Now check out the picture of Ryan Gosling above seen in GQ Magazine two months ago.  See any similarities?  Exactly.  The rebirth of Mid-Century style is undeniable in modern fashion.  From pocket squares to tie bars, watches to waist coats, the best way to look "of-the-moment" is to remember your roots (or dress like a crime boss version of your grandpa.)  So in the spirit of this Neo-Noir Fashion Revolution, I've compiled a list of my favorite Mid-Century throwbacks, for the classic gentleman in all of us.


1. The Streamlined Throwback Suit

The two-button has been the go-to suit for the gentlemen of the last century.  It's the simplest formula for a man to follow--dark suit, dark tie.  But one of the biggest throwbacks of late has been the resurgence of the slim tie.  Mid-century gents understood that hiding behind a paisley, bib-sized monstrosity was a waste of a good shirt.  The rebirth of sharp, slim ties has given a crisp and streamlined look to the modern suit.  It's the simplest way to charge some life back into your workweek threads.  Reach for a light, solid dress shirt, anchor it with a slim dark tie and add just the right amount of "blingage" with a 1-inch tie bar.  Punch that up with a classic white pocket square.  Avoid the puffed-out silk blossoms or jagged-edged spikey option that looks like you stuffed Bart Simpson in your pocket.  Keep it simple, like Connery above--clean, white, and square.  Just prepare for all the extra attention you'll get as your office's Don Draper.     

2.  Watch Your Head

 Perhaps one of the most misused Mid-Century throwbacks is the Sinatra hat, or the fedora.  Unfortunately, this is one of the only trends that has caught on quicker with the likes of vampire-obsessed, gothic, bohemians before the style world at large.  However, redemption has come in small forms such as Matt Damon's classic fedora in the above shot from The Adjustment Bureau.  It's all in how you pull it off.  If you find yourself tempted to purchase a department store knock-off fedora made entirely of velvet and skull and cross-bone stitching...just walk away.  Many online stores and vintage shops in New York can provide you with a head covering much more suited to the refined man.  Proceed on this trend with caution.

3.  The Trinkets

 

A few weeks ago a friend gave me a watch similar to the one pictured above by a company who designs replicas of antique timepieces.  Initially I found myself thinking that I would probably never have bought something like this for myself.  Now, I find myself trying to find excuses to wear it all the time.  The truth is, the piece has character, which is one of the most important elements of style.  Throw something unexpected into your normal getup.  Whether it be an antique wrist or pocket watch, saddle shoes, or horn-rimmed glasses, each has made a comeback in the last few years, among countless others, reinforcing the fact that the fashion forward gentleman never forgets his past.

While this is not at all a cumulative list of Mid-Century style revivals, the refined men of the past provide an excellent source for inspiration.  Grab a Sinatra album or GQ from the 50s .  Take your wardrobe back to a place of P.I.'s, Duesenbergs, Prohibition, and American muscle....when men where men of their word, but not to be crossed.  Get the modern, Mid-Century swag....and dress like you've got a casino to rob.  

The Original Ocean's Eleven

Craig v. McQueen

Three words: The Great Escape.  As in, one of the single greatest and must-see movies of the past thousand years.  As I one day hope to post in more detail about my undying adoration for this movie, I will not now attempt to express in a mere few sentences what made this epic film and its mind-boggling cast of rugged, classic actors one of the most priceless of American cinema.  However, I will say....and quite honestly, dare to say, that when the heroism, gorgeous scenery, fantastic actors, and die hard American patriotism fade away, the reason this movie is so blasted cool--is Steve McQueen.

I've been a fan of McQueen ever since I saw him in the The Towering Inferno when I was a kid.  They don't call him the "King of Cool" for nothing.  He is the original American bad boy.  Don't believe me?  Watch the absolutely legendary car chase with McQueen's beautiful 1968 Ford Mustang GT roaring through the streets of San Francisco in Bullitt:

  No matter what the movie (even the giggle-inducing 50s film, The Blob), the man has an effortless cool and impeccable style that became the inspiration for a generation of gentlemen.

So when a friend and I began discussing a recent article over the possibility of a Steve McQueen biopic starring Daniel Craig, my wheels began to turn.  Personally, and although many may disagree with me, I've been a fan of Craig since his bloody, ice cold, borderline psychotic portrayal of James Bond in Casino Royal.  If you've ever read the original Ian Fleming novels of the 50s, the Bond depicted in the stories is rather far from the previous portrayals of Bond we have become accustomed to.  His insanely lucky and oddly coincidental obsession with gadgetry and insatiable desire to sleep with anything that walks on  high-heels is no where to be found.  The Bond of these early novels, in fact, usually resorts to Craig's method of, for lack of a better phrase, "busting a cap" (though this "cap" may be a rather small one discharged from a Walther PPK or small wristlet gun). 

This is not to mention Craig's other noteables, such as Defiance, Munich, and even the oddly but extremely anticipated Cowboys & Aliens.  Nevertheless, I like Craig and think he'd do a fine job standing in the shoes of the great "King of Cool."

However, it must be noted that I think, unless other very persuasive evidence is shown, that it should stop at a biopic.  Unfortunately with the way Hollywood has tended to mangle things up recently, any further Craig/McQueen remakes could be disastrous.  God forbid a remake of Bullitt be made.  No doubt with the wretched film butcher Michael Bay at the helm to ensure all the characters look overly oily and that the film's epic car chase be transformed into a fiery madhouse of pointless explosions with McQueen's car being changed into a modern, plastic Chevrolet atrocity, and of course allowing for a cameo of Optimus Prime.  To quote Shia Labeouf, "Nooooooo! No, No, No No NO!!"

Valentine's: The Gentleman's Boot Camp

In the film Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, the character of Joel Barish (played by Jim Carrey) opens up with, in my opinion, one of the greatest first lines of a movie I've seen:

"Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap." 

Priceless.  And while St. Cupid's sacred day has been described with many more atrocious labels such as Single Awareness Day and Woman's Second Christmas, the fact remains that this holiday perhaps more than any other can make or break a man.  It is the Gentleman's Boot Camp, the single day that decides whether you earn your stripes as a Romantic First Class or receive the Dishonorable Discharge to the Doghouse for the remainder of your service.  It is a day not easily skirted and harder to dodge than a squadron of B-52s.  And for those of you who plan to merely sit it out in the trenches and quench the flamethrowers of the Jerries (or Sherri's, or Mary's) with a painfully cheap bouquet and year-old chocolates...I'm afraid, my friend, you're already on your way to the infirmary.

However, there is a way to turn this potentially hazardous holiday into a victory for the modern gentleman (or VV Day).  What's the trick?  You have to put aside everything you want, and treat your girl like absolute royalty.  It's possible, believe me, and to quote William Faulker: "A gentleman can live through anything."  So, here are a few steps to ensure this Valentine's Day your lady is escorted by a true modern gentleman.

STEP 1: It's the Details that Make the Gentleman.
Just because you are rising above the common man for this occasion doesn't mean you should skimp on the details.  As Valentine's this year is on a Monday, start early, such as on the Friday before, and send some flowers to her work.  Skip the cheesy "I Heart You" bears and "Be Mine" candies and go for a simple and elegant bouquet of her favorite flowers or roses.  If you go through an online florist, be careful.  Find the right one that ensures the flowers arrive in great condition, pre-assembled, so she's not fumbling to arrange them as her clients are walking in the door.   Another option is ordering them from a local florist.  It's a little more expensive, but you'll ensure she won't be delivered a fragrant cardboard box at 4:58 in the afternoon.

STEP 2:  Get Away.

Take the Mrs. downtown or outta town.  Many hotels and resorts have great Valentine's weekend specials that allow couples the chance to get away from it all.  Book a one or two night stay at a hotel with a personality (as a general rule avoid those that offer payment by the hour).  Many downtown hotels in larger cities (such as the Hotel Icon in Houston, TX pictured above) offer an unparalleled romantic atmosphere where you almost feel disrespectful not wearing a tuxedo to walk down and ask for more towels.  Booking is for the patient and computer savvy gentleman, as one must wait for the perfect moment.  But when you do, you can expect a great adventure for your dollar.

STEP 3:  Take the Night Out.
Once you've unpacked and "settled" into the room, get dressed up for a mysterious and romantic night out.  Remember, it's all about your girl, so never be afraid to be the best dressed man in the room at your destination.  Her eyes are on you.  Keep the mystery by never telling her where the next adventure may be.  A nice restaurant, followed by her favorite type of show or entertainment (musical theater, concert, movie, jazz club--whatever she's passionate about).  After that, a nice corner coffee shop or dessert place.  Simple girl, simple night.  But don't be afraid to try some new things and live out your new downtown high-life fantasy for a night.  Treat your girl like the royal lady she is, and I guarantee you'll be the most dapper man in town.

Additional "Tip":
Always remember to have cold, hard currency for tips.  In the modern world of debit cards and PayPal, it's easy to forget to grab some bills for the valet or downtown parking.  Don't get caught looking like a country fish in a city pond (horrible attempt at a country analogy).  Make it look effortless.  That is, after all, one of the best qualities of the stylish gentleman.     


Finally, always keep in mind the likes and dislikes of your woman.  These steps are merely guidelines and general suggestions.  If your girl doesn't like flowers, try something more practical like one of those fruit bouquets.  If your girl's afraid of traveling, don't drug and drag her to a hotel, just set up a nice romantic dinner on your rooftop or porch.  Going to the Cheesecake Factory and then to a night of disco revival?...don't wear your tuxedo.  You get the picture.  Plan and modify her perfect Valentine's....to HER.  Do that, and you're sure to pass the Gentleman's Boot Camp relatively unscathed.  You might even be awarded a Purple Heart, but I'd stay away from those things.....they taste like chalk.