Give Yourself an Under-Upgrade

The highly respected and omniscient book, The Intergalactic Encyclopedia of Gentlemanly Style, (from which the MoG was born) defines the words "chastity belt" as: 
A hellishly unattractive parasitic apparatus that, when attached around the waist or midsection of an individual, effectively repels any and all possibility of the host attracting a suitable mate for the duration of the unfortunate symbiotic relationship.
What you see above, gentlemen, is such an apparatus.  Created by spiteful German scientists after World War II half a century ago, this unthinkable evil (known despicably as a pair of "Tighty Whities") was released upon the modern male population of the planet under the guise of a fashionable alternative to wearing Long Johns in the summer.  Dumbfounded by its success, these same masterminds unleashed additional monstrosities upon the style world as part of a diabolical scheme to decrease the birthrate of American children.  These additions included such horrors as the "wife beater" undershirt and the solid white knee sock.  Success, it seemed, was undeniable--where once such devices would have only been used by celibate monks as part of a painful chaffing ritual to prove their devotion to a divine being, now American men all over the country were proudly sporting these hideous date repellants.

It is therefore incumbent upon me, dear gentlemen, to stress that if you or someone you love has fallen prey to this wickedness, it is high time to fight; to revamp the clothes underneath your clothes...this is your Under Garment Upgrade.

1.  Don't Diss Your Kicks  
There is absolutely nothing worse than seeing a beautiful and pricey pair of lace-ups or loafers sodomized by a pair of blindingly white, bunched up tube socks.  It's just plain hideous and yet inexplicably common as the ruiner of many an elegant footwear.  Instead, reach for killer socks that compliment the tones in your shoes.  Dress socks with Chuck Taylors or Sambas?  Absolutely!  Match them to your shirt, tie, pocket square, or just rock a wild bit of color that'll only peak out from under you business suit when you kick back in the afternoon. Stripes, plaids, checks, argyle--just have fun, the gentleman is in the details.

2.  Your Man-Bra Is Showing
Little else in a man's wardrobe screams I've given up on myself to the point of wrapping my torso in a ribbed girdle with spaghetti straps and a complimentary beer stain on the belly quite like the male equivalent to the sports bra--the Wife Beater Tank.  Believe me when I tell you, there is no shirt, absolutely NO shirt on this planet through which you will not be able to see this atrocious general issue for alcoholic degenerates.  Instead, reach for a shirt that actually has sleeves.  If you're planning on sporting a tie, it's usually best to go with a solid white crew neck (remember to skip on the bacon neck though).  If you're planning on loosening up on the other hand or ditching the tie completely, opt for a solid V neck like the one pictured above. This way, you can easily sport a little chest without rocking that 90's-department-store-manager look you get with an oxford and white crew. 
(Note: the V neck pictured is treading very close to the too-much-man-cleavage area...but you get the idea)

3.  Monk Tested, Lady Disgusted
*NOTE: As a family-friendly blog, the MoG wishes to imply nothing by the picture above other than the WIFE in question is fully clothed and lives happily in a suburban neighborhood with her ripped husband, three children, and dog.
Finally, and most importantly, is what you've got going on in your business department.  Here's the deal, if you're over 17 it's time to burn those novelty drawers with Taz and the Xbox logo and invest in some big boy skivvies.  While I'm sure the Stewie Griffin unmentionables were quite the rage at the high school geek-a-thon sleepovers (at least mine were), they'll be gaining you absolutely no points in the "I'm a Real Man" department on wedding night.  Instead, upgrade to some simple, cotton boxer shorts in solid colors.  Fruit of the Loom makes some incredibly comfortable ones that come in some very sleek, refined gentlemanly tones sure to make you feel much more grown-up.  Believe me, your significant other will thank you later for sparing her eyes from the horror of your boyhood manties.

What do you think of the Under Garment Upgrade?   

1 comments:

  1. quirky ol' post


    www.pinstripeprince.blogspot.com

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