Love Thy Tailor As Thyself

The Inspiring Tale of a Suit's Extreme Makeover 

If you ever find yourself with the desire to see what happens to the human body when confronted simultaneously with absolute horror and uncontrollable rage as it careens into the mental breaking point of stress, simply stroll into a Men's Warehouse during this time of the year and request that each of your 12 groomsmen be fitted for their tuxedos, which must be tailored and pressed immediately for an early morning wedding. In such a case, you'll have to excuse me for sidestepping the box of scissors sailing towards your head accompanied by the barrage of safety pins and foul language. Why? Because, gentlemen, it's "Bridal Christmas," after all--the single most busy and suicidal time of the year for every salt of the earth, sore-fingered seamstress on the planet.

Therefore it was with much care and consideration that I decided to take my new suit (which I purchased as the groomsmen attire for my best friend's wedding) to a local tailor nearly 5 weeks in advance.  Why so early, you ask?  Well simply take a look at how the suit fit me straight off the rack a few weeks ago:

(Please excuse the crudeness of these photos. Thankfully, this blog does not often rely on such pitiful excuses for artistic, original photography unless the occasion calls for it.)

 So while it's certainly not the worst fit in gentleman history, the suit here definitely wore me, rather than the opposite.  Although the beautiful color and elegant notch lapels give note to its stylish potential, there is simply too much sag n' bag--making the entire look appear slightly out-of-date, and leaving much to be desired in the "effortlessly cool" department.

Luckily, the five weeks passed by quickly and it was finally time for my suit's big reveal to me and the other members of my wardrobe with its fresh, new look:

As it  was in no condition to drive home after its major surgery,  I decided to give my new suit a lift back to my house after its ordeal with the tailor.  Upon trying it on however, I was pleasantly astonished at the difference.  What was once a drooping, sack of fabric tossed upon a physique similar to that of a coat rack, had now transformed into a streamlined, dastardly sharp suit of armor that made me feel like an American elite...and what's more Mad Men-era American than frying franks outdoors on the grill in a suit with a manly pose?  I dare say, not much!

Alterations Performed:

1. First, I had my tailor taper the trousers, taking all the extra fabric in around my stilt-like legs.  This, by far, made the most dramatic difference.
2. Next, she took in the waist of the jacket, making it hug my torso much better than the previous little-boy-enveloped-in-Dad's-jacket look.
3. Finally, my tailor and I decided to raise the shoulders a bit.  This has nothing to do with altering the shoulder pads (if a tailor tells you they can do this, it's a lie, DON'T Do It!), rather this involved decreasing the amount of fabric from the collar of the jacket to the seam on the shoulder.  It raises the entire profile of the jacket and also shortens the length of the sleeves just enough to show off the perfect amount of cuff.

What do you think of my suit's transformation?  

The Best Man Speech

Should you ever find yourself in the position as a gentleman to give the Best Man Speech at your best bud's rehearsal dinner, never forget to make it as memorable, heartfelt, and embarrassing for him as possible.  And of course, always put hours of thought into what you're going to say to avoid stumbling aimlessly through an odiously forgettable monologue.  Need help? You're in luck, because here's a copy of the speech I'll be giving next weekend at my best mate's special day:

 Flawless.  Cheers!

NOTE: I cannot accurately relate the amount of sarcasm in this post.  Please don't take this to heart if you're actually planning on delivering a best man speech.  Instead, get your tips from a more serious post, like this one.

Run Along Now, And Let the Grown-Ups Rock: II

POST #2:  MUTEMATH

A Recurring Segment On Fostering a Refined and Stylish Appreciation for the Modern Musical Arts.   
 

As previously mentioned in the premier post of this segment, it has become an unfortunate reality that the modern music scene at large has been viciously and savagely sodomized into a steaming pile of mass-produced, auto-tuned nightmares which incessantly provide Satan with an endlessly growing iTunes library from which to create the soundtrack to Hell. Mind-numbing reminders of our decaying popular consciousness are painfully disguised as preteen anthems, made humanly unbearable due to their obsession with a particular day of the week and astounding indecisiveness on whether to "kick" in the bow or stern of a underage-operated motor vehicle.

Yet again, my dear readers, I assure you there is hope--musicians that seek to push the boundaries of sound in a way that is simultaneously refined, sharp, and intelligent (just like the modern gentleman). Which brings me to the featured band of this segment: Mute Math.

Formed initially as a long distance collaboration between singer Paul Meany and drummer Darren King, Mute Math blossomed into a mind-blowingly energetic progressive rock entity that pulls from the ambient cool of bands such as Radiohead and the head-nodding drive of Sonic Youth and New Order. As smooth as it is beautifully chaotic, the electrifying liveliness of this music is enough to soar your heart rate to levels of medical concern, as well as give your ears the treat of a delicacy long overdue.

I first heard of this New Orleans-grown band back in 2005 after my best friend caught their show at a small, intimate venue in Dallas. A few years later (after falling in love with their magnificent record), I got a chance to see them live myself, and as you might have gathered from the picture above, it was one of the most epically intense, energetic, and thrilling shows I've ever seen--and to this day remains my favorite of all time.

Currently, the band has just announced that it is gearing up to release its third full-length album sometime in September of this year with the addition of a new guitar player (replacement). It is my sincerest hope that this personnel change will shift some of the creative control back to King and Meany much like the first album and therefore produce some incredible results, but only time will tell.

ALBUM FAVORITES:
Reset EP: Reset, Peculiar People, Plan B
MuteMath: Chaos, Typical, Stare at the Sun, Noticed
Armistice: The Nerve, Backfire, Burden, Armistice

And of course, as always, it doesn't hurt my opinion of these fine musicians that they know how to dress up for a rock show. The insanely cool drummer, King, often sports a blazer as he flails about with incredible accuracy on some of the most complex beats this side of European Electronica. So to end this with a stylishly slick note, here's a little taste of Mute Math's capabilities as they perform one of their best instrumental numbers live--Reset. Happy Listening!

Bless Me Prom, For I Have Sinned

3 Easy Tips from the Red Carpet To Ensure You and Your Date Never End Up In the Prom Picture Hall of Shame...



Terror, I believe is the correct emotion you're searching for.  What you see above is unfortunately reality at its eye-gougingly worst.  And yet, despite what many would believe would be a generally accepted notion logged deep into the common sense cabinet of the brain, should you ask any male high school student what they're planning on wearing to prom you will undoubtedly receive something along the lines of:  A.) "I'm bustin' out a Pimp Suit, mang!"  or B.) "Errr, you know, probably just some flip-flops and a polo, bro."  Simply devastating, isn't it?  And while I, for one, will not attempt to deny that as a  high schooler I may have contemplated the orange and blue Dumb and Dumber leisure suit idea for a prom of two, the Good Lord never allowed my to commit such an abomination.  Instead, let me suggest some simple tips, taken directly from some of the most stylish gentlemen to grace the red carpet that can easily vamp up your Prom Night style.  Follow these, my coming-of-age pupils, and at least your date will have the most dashing man in the room with which to be photographed in those ridiculously awkward poses.

Tip #1: Clean Up Like a Man

Ditch the notion that the way to be yourself on Prom Night is to keep it as casually and sloppily "you" as possible.  Believe me, that idea has been unfortunately echoed in the head of every would-be "rebel against the institution" in America.  Take the opportunity to look wickedly sharp and refined.  PLEASE avoid the painfully overdone and hideously unoriginal black shirt/black trousers/white tie combo.  Prohibition is over--clean up like a modern gentleman and opt for an irresistibly smart black tux or dark suit (see Ryan Gosling left).  As you can see, it's the go-to for the most dapper gentlemen on the red carpet.



Tip #2: Give Your Date Mono

As in a MONOchromatic-attired escort.  Save yourself the nightmare of roaming through every department store in a 12 light-year radius, hopelessly clutching that demonic square inch of fabric from your date's dress in search of a matching tie and vest.  Instead, go for a classic black suit or tux with a crisp, white shirt.  And as demonstrated by Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto (right), once you've got the basic element down, pick the finishing touches that fit you.  Bow tie, slim tie, vest, cummerbund, it's your call-- just keep it muted and dark.

And if you're wondering how people will know you're together...that's easy.  She'll be on your arm, unable to loosen her grasp from the bicep of such a handsomely sharp gentleman.

Tip #3: When in Doubt, Go Classic

Unfortunately, it has become far too easy to pervert the black&white tux/suit rule into shameless, 80s-inspired train wrecks complete with floor-length coat tails, blazingly tacky ascots, and cornea-scorching, sparkling white loafers.  While there's certainly nothing wrong with keeping some of that personal rock star in your look (see Kings of Leon above), do everyone a favor and scale it down a bit.  Set out to be the compliment to your date, not competition.  When in doubt, reach for the classic--simple, elegant, and refined.  If all goes well, you may even be rewarded with your principal cramming a giant, plastic crown on your head...simultaneously making you the talk of the town and messing up that perfectly tousled coif you had going on up top.   

Oh and just for kicks, here's a picture from one of my proms. Much to my delight, we actually nailed these rules pretty well....and yes we all had dates, this was just the guys pose.  .....no, seriously.

Of Denim and Denzel

A 30-Second Review of the Movie, Source Code

Going simply by the preview of this film, I had very much convinced myself that despite what the credits might have proclaimed, this ulcer-inducing thriller epoch was most certainly the newest from director Tony Scott as a sequel to either Man on Fire or Unstoppable.  Therefore, it seemed inevitable that at some point during the madness, the man-beast Denzel Washington would make his usual appearance, hastening Jake Gyllenhaal off screen to sit in a trailer and watch how a professional handles such apocalyptic and downright stressful situations with effortless cool.  However, despite my initial Denzel-Movie-Without-Denzel prejudice, I decided to finish last evening's date night off with a little "Deja Vu" at the theaters with Duncan Jones' Source Code . 

Much to my delight and surprise, I was instead blown away by a feature-length, arm-gnawing suspense fest with an added air of eerie complexity that could give you a brain hemorrhage if you weren't already too absorbed in the film (and Gyllenhaal's eyes) to care.  Not only do I seriously recommend you catch this flick soon....I also highly recommend that you gentleman take note of Gyllenhaal's excellently worn denim button down, solid tie, and tweed jacket combo.  Just be prepared to bust a cap, get the girl, and save the world if you decide to rock this look as well as the Source Code's leading man.  

I give it 9 Fashionable Slim Ties for dashing, action-packedness.  (Note: this rating system means absolutely nothing)