The "Mark(s)" of a Gentleman?

Anonymous asked/told:  "You need to write a gentleman's blog over tattoos. Where do they fit in the mix?"

As with everything from Thai food to argyle, the modern gentleman always errors on the side of moderation.  Just ask the late, great Ötzi the Iceman.  Undoubtedly seen as the dapper hipster of the village back in his day (a day around 4000 years ago), Big O, as the ladies called him, was known to sport several simple and discreet tattoos at the base of his spine (the original Tramp Stamp) as well as additional artwork around his knees and ankles.  Although history is unfortunately sparse on any indication of the previous generation's disapproval of such self expression, Ötzi's mummified remains suggest that he did, in fact, die; a coincidence the crime scene investigators at the time failed to link to the bad juju his revolutionary fashion statement may have caused among his fellow villagers.

However, I must inform you directly that if you've stumbled upon this post in an effort to discover the definitive answer to the morality, professionalism, or otherwise appropriateness of such epidermal markings, you will be regrettably disappointed.  As a mere style blog, I shall leave such an argument to the thousands of households in which conservative parents and independent teenagers have been inhumanly forced to live with one another.  Rather, I would merely like to present the three rules every gentleman should know and follow should he decide he absolutely MUST opt for the ink.  And here they are in an easily remembered, yet oddly unrelated mnemonic--HAM!

1.  Avoid the Head

While surely an argument could be made here that the modern business world is beginning to relax its stance on body art and that the new generation of customers and employees alike would not in the least bit feel violated to the deepest recession of their souls by simply locking eyes with this monstrosity--this is insanity.  No seriously, insanity.  As in the notion that a person of sound and noble character would never arrive at a point in their lives where this mind-boggling disaster would be a viable option.  I'm not exactly sure what possesses an individual to do....this, but it is must certainly not the work of a mentally stable human being.  But apart from full on tattoo masks, avoid neck and face art completely.  No matter how much you think you can pull it off, you can't.  Trust me, it's just disgusting.

2. Costs You an Arm

A friend of mine once came up to me after an Education class in college and asked me what I thought about him getting full tattoo sleeves the following long weekend.  A bit stunned, I remember telling him that he should consider the fact that most schools (especially elementary schools--the area of his certification) prohibit their teachers from showing their tattoos in the classroom.  His response was simple--he'd just always wear long sleeves and resist the temptation to roll them up.  Two sleeves and two semesters later, he got a job.  In West Texas.  And I can't help but wonder if on any of those scorching 100+ degree fall days, he doesn't yearn for the ability to bust out a polo.

So, here's the deal, if you're thinking of sleeving it up, consider a half-sleeve or a simple arm tattoo.  At least in that case, you can stay cool and professional simultaneously when the occasion calls for it.  Unless you're Lil' Wayne or David Beckham, don't make the mistake of thinking establishments and gatherings will adjust their dress standards to meet your ill-considered youthful impulses. 

3.  What's That Mean?

Quickest way to be a tool?  Get a tattoo for no other reason than to have a tattoo.  Meaning is everything.  If you find yourself looking through books, Googling popular tattoo designs, or contemplating ripping off that mindlessly cliche "nautical star" idea from one of your buddies--get up right now, turn the gas on, and place your head in the oven.  If you're lucky,  you'll only moderately suffocate...providing you with just enough hospital bills to adequately maintain a zero balance in your bank account for the next twenty years, leaving you with no extra tattoo money and hopefully the realization that it was a stupid idea in the first place.  However, if you're like many of my friends and use tattoos as a visual memorial for family, faith, or commitment, then I believe you have the right to decide for yourself.

How do tattoos fit in with the modern gentleman?  With heavy consideration, purpose, and necessity.  Never do something that could limit your ability to clean up sharp when the time calls for it.  Yet never be afraid to claim a cause or purpose for your own.  Standing for you beliefs and values in whatever form...now that's the mark of a gentleman.

UPDATE 7-15-11:
This is entirely too good not to share here. Check it out:

Proper Gent, Proper Dimensions

Anonymous asked: What length tie bar would you suggest for those Express skinny ties. They are approximately 1 3/4 in wide, should I get a 1 inch or a 1 1/2 inch bar?

Personally I own a 1 1/2 inch tie bar and find that it works in nearly every situation. While a 1 inch would perhaps go well with a super skinny 1" tie, it ends up looking a little too stubby for anything else. In my experience, a 1 1/2" tie bar looks great with any slim tie from 1" to 2 1/2." If you're looking for some really shnazy ones that won't demolish your budget, theTieBar.com (...no seriously) is a great place to start.

Give Yourself an Under-Upgrade

The highly respected and omniscient book, The Intergalactic Encyclopedia of Gentlemanly Style, (from which the MoG was born) defines the words "chastity belt" as: 

A hellishly unattractive parasitic apparatus that, when attached around the waist or midsection of an individual, effectively repels any and all possibility of the host attracting a suitable mate for the duration of the unfortunate symbiotic relationship.

What you see above, gentlemen, is such an apparatus.  Created by spiteful German scientists after World War II half a century ago, this unthinkable evil (known despicably as a pair of "Tighty Whities") was released upon the modern male population of the planet under the guise of a fashionable alternative to wearing Long Johns in the summer.  Dumbfounded by its success, these same masterminds unleashed additional monstrosities upon the style world as part of a diabolical scheme to decrease the birthrate of American children.  These additions included such horrors as the "wife beater" undershirt and the solid white knee sock.  Success, it seemed, was undeniable--where once such devices would have only been used by celibate monks as part of a painful chaffing ritual to prove their devotion to a divine being, now American men all over the country were proudly sporting these hideous date repellants.

It is therefore incumbent upon me, dear gentlemen, to stress that if you or someone you love has fallen prey to this wickedness, it is high time to fight; to revamp the clothes underneath your clothes...this is your Under Garment Upgrade.

1.  Don't Diss Your Kicks  

There is absolutely nothing worse than seeing a beautiful and pricey pair of lace-ups or loafers sodomized by a pair of blindingly white, bunched up tube socks.  It's just plain hideous and yet inexplicably common as the ruiner of many an elegant footwear.  Instead, reach for killer socks that compliment the tones in your shoes.  Dress socks with Chuck Taylors or Sambas?  Absolutely!  Match them to your shirt, tie, pocket square, or just rock a wild bit of color that'll only peak out from under you business suit when you kick back in the afternoon. Stripes, plaids, checks, argyle--just have fun, the gentleman is in the details.

2.  Your Man-Bra Is Showing

Little else in a man's wardrobe screams I've given up on myself to the point of wrapping my torso in a ribbed girdle with spaghetti straps and a complimentary beer stain on the belly quite like the male equivalent to the sports bra--the Wife Beater Tank.  Believe me when I tell you, there is no shirt, absolutely NO shirt on this planet through which you will not be able to see this atrocious general issue for alcoholic degenerates.  Instead, reach for a shirt that actually has sleeves.  If you're planning on sporting a tie, it's usually best to go with a solid white crew neck (remember to skip on the bacon neck though).  If you're planning on loosening up on the other hand or ditching the tie completely, opt for a solid V neck like the one pictured above. This way, you can easily sport a little chest without rocking that 90's-department-store-manager look you get with an oxford and white crew. 
(Note: the V neck pictured is treading very close to the too-much-man-cleavage area...but you get the idea)

3.  Monk Tested, Lady Disgusted

*NOTE: As a family-friendly blog, the MoG wishes to imply nothing by the picture above other than the WIFE in question is fully clothed and lives happily in a suburban neighborhood with her ripped husband, three children, and dog.
Finally, and most importantly, is what you've got going on in your business department.  Here's the deal, if you're over 17 it's time to burn those novelty drawers with Taz and the Xbox logo and invest in some big boy skivvies.  While I'm sure the Stewie Griffin unmentionables were quite the rage at the high school geek-a-thon sleepovers (at least mine were), they'll be gaining you absolutely no points in the "I'm a Real Man" department on wedding night.  Instead, upgrade to some simple, cotton boxer shorts in solid colors.  Fruit of the Loom makes some incredibly comfortable ones that come in some very sleek, refined gentlemanly tones sure to make you feel much more grown-up.  Believe me, your significant other will thank you later for sparing her eyes from the horror of your boyhood manties.

What do you think of the Under Garment Upgrade?   

MoG Instructionals #1

The first segment in the "MoG Instructionals" video series: 
The Gentleman's Guide to Tying a Tie

Men of Inspiration: Chris Pine

 

If you find you've been too occupied with searching for Bin Laden over the past decade and have subsequently failed to notice the wicked cool style of this generation's Captain James T. Kirk, you've unfortunately missed out on some very inspiring gentlemanly swag.  However, if this misfortune has indeed fallen upon you, Don't Panic--there are, luckily, millions of women living among you that will be more than happy to share their appreciation of the one and only Chris Pine while simultaneously demonstrating how you cannot, nor will you ever be able to, scrape the surface of his females-faint-on-sight charm. 

Fortunately for those of us who have yet to captain a starship or fertilize every alien female in the A and B quadrants of the galaxy, there is hope.  Throughout the years, Pine has never ceased to impress in both the worlds of acting and style, and has become one of our time's greatest leading men.  That said, above, is a photo of, I believe, to be one Pine's most versatile and sharp looks--a go-to look that I myself have used countless times (such as my best friend's bachelor party a few weekends ago) unaware that I was ripping off Unstoppable's eye candy. 

Therefore, I have compiled a list of pieces you'll need to rock this look for any occasion from spring weddings to date night.  Coincidentally, this look is basically a compilation of many of the absolute essentials every guy should have in his arsenal.  So without further rambling, here's what you'll need to achieve this post's look of inspiration:

1.  A Beard 

...and, of course a trimmer to make it happen.  I mean, look at the Pine's scruff--flawless.  Take note, gentlemen.  Nothing fancy, nothing overly groomed.  Just the right amount of man beast. 

2.  The Blue Blazer

Urban Outfitters, BDG Shrunken Blazer, Navy, $68
Easily the most versatile piece in your entire closet. Throw it on with a band T-shirt, solid V-neck, a plaid oxford, or your nicest white dress shirt with slacks. Trust me, it'll give an instant shot of class to any look.

3.  The Trousers

Vans, Slim Jeans, Gray, $65

4. The Kicks

Aldo, Yearego Lace-ups, Cognac, $70
I think I nearly lost my balance in that romantic novel woozy, love-at-first-sight sort of way when I first saw these Aldo brown lace-ups online.  Perfectly pointed toe, with the perfect shade of elegant dark brown, but then highlighted with a subtle cherry color in the worn areas.  Want a pair of sharp shoes that'll turn heads?  These will pay the chiropractor's kid's way through college.

5.  The Finer Details 

A.)  The Pocket Square

From:  thetiebar.com, $8

   B.)  The Belt

Jazz it up and don't be afraid of some color.  It is spring after all.

C.)  Socks

.....Yeah right....ditch 'em.  

Now go punch the weekend straight in the jaw.  You may not have a phaser but.....you know what, forget the Star Trek references, just rock a killer look with your lady and have a blast.  Also, stay tuned for a video post I'll be doing soon (per request from some loyal readers) on the different ways to tie a tie.  Until then, may the odds be always in your favor, my friends.  Cheers.