The Watch That Ends the Universe

I'd be lying if I said I even have the slightest idea how to write a blog post anymore.
The past few months have been nothing short of a whirlwind of excitement, panic, stress, bewilderment, confusion...and all that merely in the 5 seconds following my wife handing me a plastic stick and whispering, "Guess what this means??"

Impending fatherhood (coming Feb '15) has a way of making a gentleman see the world differently. Not only do I find myself evaluating my own actions under the lens of What Would Dad Do? but I additionally find myself frequently spinning into fits of rage and general hysterics at the antics of the world in which my future child will inevitably be a part of--and the utterly moronic co-inhabitants with which they'll share our planet.

But the most recent antic--so heinous that it brought me out of blog radio silence--is one I believe we can all agree is the most terrifying and despicable thing our Earth has seen in centuries--Apple's newest announcement of the infamous iWatch that's simply called Watch.*  Here and now, my friends, is where we witness the end.  The end of time as it were.  The end of vintage analog timepieces passed from generation to generation.  The end of refinement.  The beginning of the Age of Borg.

What are we to do? Can assimilation into the wearable tech collective be unavoidable? Is resistance futile?

Well, confused masses, you're in luck.  For the answers to these questions and more are exactly what my Chief Technology Correspondent, possessor of the mustache Ron Swanson would kill for, and all-around best friend, Brandon and I have been discussing lately.  Check out our definitive guide below if you want any chance of weathering the approaching iWatch Apocalypse.  

*Note: Yes, this is written in satire. I am well aware of the madness going on around the world that actually requires sincere prayer and humanitarian support. Calm down.

1. Is This The End of Analog As We Know It?

Both Brandon and I are huge fans of the vintage, analog timepiece look in watches.  In fact, throughout our long friendship, we've probably given each other more watches as gifts than hours in the day.  And as two guys who will readily admit their addiction to wrist accoutrements of the time-keeping persuasion, our aversion to anything that looks and smells like a "smartwatch" could be classified on the avoidance scale as the far end of "like the plague."

And while the announcement of the "iWatch" initially brought forth the first of many eye-rolls that would border on Jr. High girl-like speed and frequency throughout the course of the inevitable public displays of lunacy and materialism that were soon to follow--to my surprise, I awoke to find myself actually watching Apple's lustful picture show and thinking, "Oooooooo, that's actually pretty cool."

To see the sinful display for yourself, check it out here:

So what do I think now? Is this the end of analog timepieces?

No. The ultimate reality is that there will always be a market for quality craftsmanship in the art form of watchmaking.  Those same people that shutter at the thought of us all walking around (and into each other) bespectacled with Google Glass are the same kind of people that desire a handcrafted mechanical beauty to hug their wrist along their journey...and ultimately hug the wrists of their grandchildren decades down the road. Unfortunately for Apple and Samsung, mass-produced wearable gadgetry will never fully replace quality craftsmanship within the realm of a gentleman's favorite accessory.

2. So It's All Evil and We Should Lay Siege to the Nearest Glass Building With a Fruit On It?  

Now hold on. We didn't say it was all bad.  Throughout our conversation, we finally agreed on our Top Three Things we're actually excited to see come out of later generations of the "watch formerly known as iWatch but now only Watch."  Here they are:
  • Given the recent talk of the next wave of men's style sailing toward the beautifully named "Menswear Creative," the idea that we could have an endless collection of interchangeable, computer animated watch faces that literally match our mood and style choice in that exact moment is supremely intriguing.  Need the serenity of the Aurora Borealis seamlessly passing before your eyes under an "analog" watch face designed to bring out the very colors in the shadow plaid of your suit that day?  Look no further.
  • I've always wanted to learn Morse Code--mainly so I could spell out "Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!" But apart from that, Brandon and I agreed that it would be super cool to tap custom vibrations to each other's wrists (a feature of the Apple Watch) in the middle of a business meeting.  Juvenile? Maybe.  But also cool as heck!
  • The crown of the A.Watch is also a bit intriguing.  Perhaps because it gives me a little more hope that later generations of the smart-bracelet may draw further upon classic, vintage styles. An Apple Pocket Watch?  Oh yeah...that's your iPhone.  Point made.   

3. But Isn't There A Better Solution To All of This Madness?

Brandon and I both agree this generation of Apple Watch is a no-go for us.  Later generations look promising, and we'll just have to see.  But isn't there a plain better option than all of this?  In his words Brandon explains: 
"Let's say you're a businessman and you travel frequently. You don't always have the convenience to charge your phone, so what do you do? Buy a bulky case for a hundred dollars that risks ruining the battery because it doesn't have the proper voltage that (phone company) requires. Screw that. If I want a bigger, longer lasting battery I should be able to get it. I should be able to walk into a store and go, "Hey, here's my phone. I need the bigger battery installed, please." "Yes sir, no problem. That will be $25.00 and it will be ready in 30 minutes. Would you like some coffee while you wait?" "Why, yes I would. Thank you." "You are most welcome and please help yourself. " 
Can't we all agree this model sounds better than the infinite purchasing loop that is, by definition, buying the newest smartphones?  Perhaps we should all just wait until Phonebloks develops its first smartwatch.  The dream sounds almost too good to be true.

But until then, my friends, tread carefully as you make your way through what is sure to be the craziest new tech lust epidemic since.....well, since the last Apple product was released.  Personally, I think I'll stick with trying to build up a collection of beautiful analog timepieces (some pictured above), each with their own personal "war story" to pass on to the little person in my wife's belly one day.  And if it's a girl, I guess we'll hope for a sartorially inclined grandson somewhere around the year 2050.

By then, though, I'm sure we'll all be born with Apple tech already implanted into our brains.  Text grandpa when you need your next bottle, won't you?



Post a Comment