Seriously...Are You "That" Guy?

A friend and I were talking the other day about a painfully gauche male classmate of hers that is currently enrolled in a "Women and Gender" graduate class at our local university.  While this individual's mere presence in such a class is the subject of some debate, his ridiculously uncouth comments are unanimously loathed by all attendees, male and female--none more so than the fact that he prefaces every one of his pompously misogynistic questions with the phrase, "I don't wanna be THAT guy, but..."

I think all of you will agree with my friend when she said: If you have to preface everything you say with such a disclaimer...you are most definitely "that" guy.

But apart from the obvious fact of being a repugnant, self-proclaimed MCP (Male Chauvinist Pig), how is one to ultimately tell if they are indeed a member of a masculine group so foul that it may only be described with a singular demonstrative adjective?  Well, luck for you, I've constructed this short quiz to assist you in such a soul searching:

"THAT" GUY QUIZ

1. I frequently flood the Facebook news feed with pictures like this one for all my "bros" to enjoy.
2. I have been known to initiate arguments with members of the opposite sex that only conclude when I feel I have successfully demonstrated my gender's superiority.
3. I believe that the perfect "10" woman comes fully equipped with an anatomically impossible, Lara Croft-like physique, as well as a barrage of military weapons, knowledge of housecleaning, cooking, sewing, as well as car and tank mechanics, and an insatiable desire to spend entire months at a time working through the campaign of the latest Medal of Honor.
4. I pride myself on my ability to "entertain" females with my deeply profound political allegories.  I could just spend a fortnight romancing them with my loving thoughts on Obama's social security reforms.
5. I took Home Ec in high school because that's where all the chicks were.  They couldn't keep their hands off me once they discovered I'd let them cook and clean my house for free.

SCORING:
Congratulations! If you answered, YES, TRUE, or SOMETIMES to any or all of the above questions, you are THAT guy!  Thank you for playing!

The Rain In Spain: III

A Recurring Study on the Etiquette of a Gentleman Through Examples in Modern Cinema

 Lesson #4: A Gentleman Packs a Handkerchief
It's as close to an all-out drug binge as I suppose I'll ever get. And yet no matter how many Claritan D's or Allegra 24-Months I kick back for a ride down the mucus express careening down the back of my throat, at speeds to revival the London Underground, they never cease to amaze me at the magnitude of their ineffectiveness at stopping their target. I speak of course, my friends, of the debilitating, bi-seasonal attack of the notoriously sinister terrorists known as allergies, from which I, like my father before me and I'm sure perhaps many of you, are unfortunate enough to suffer. And if you're like me, you've tried absolutely everything. From knocking back a regimen of prescription allergy pills to my personal favorite, the nasal douche--also known as water-boarding yourself. Nothing ever works, and so inevitably you find yourself sitting across the table from a group of individuals staring disgustedly at your pathetic and repulsive display of helplessness as you attempt to stop the ever-flowing mucus tempest from colliding with your delectable entree with a small, saturated tissue (I unfortunately speak from experience). Not your most gentlemanly moment.

So while there may never be an actual solution to this all-too-frequent besieging of our nasal cavities by such ravenous microscopic cretins, there is a way to maintain you gentlemanly dignity--and that is, the handkerchief.

For as long as I can remember, my father has carried a handkerchief wherever he goes. The product of a rural, Midwestern upbringing that simultaneously infused him with the manly know-how to be an expert at anything from carpentry to mechanics, my father is one of the few left of his generation that comes prepared to either hold a press conference or wrestle a grizzly bear on any given day of the week in his best business suit.  But it wasn't until recently that I began to heed his advice about always caring a handkerchief.  With a suit, in your work jeans--doesn't matter, the uses ALWAYS outweigh the drawbacks.  And if I could channel my former Marine dad for a moment, I'm pretty sure his top three reasons for always caring a handkerchief as a gentleman would go something like this:

1. Have you ever seen Rambo?  You never know when you're gonna need a make-shift tourniquet once you've stitched up your latest gunshot wound. 
2. It's always better to have a clean handkerchief to blow your nose into rather than having to excuse yourself from dinner every 30 seconds to fill up on wads of toilet paper from the restaurant bathroom.
3. Take a note from Roger here, (Ok, he'd probably never use this example, but he'd like the concept) you never know when you might run into a tearful lady in need.

Now an argument could be easily made that the main reason I used this clip is because we recently added a Jack Russell Terrier puppy to our family and I cannot even begin to count the times a student has told me I look like Roger.  Large nose, lanky frame, pointed-toe shoes, fitted overcoat, and slim trousers.....I've been called much worse.  Unfortunately I can't say I met my wife through a canine intervention.  But if you're as suave with a hanky as Pongo's pet here, who knows?  Maybe your perfect lady is out there waiting to be pushed in a lake.

What to Rock For A Texas "Fall"

As an ever-loyal resident of the good state of Texas--famous for Ranger, Sir Walker T. and an average heat index that could deep fry a Minotaur, I've always found myself somewhat resentful of the Fall fashions I see on the runway which seem to be targeted at the fashion-obsessed inhabitants of a North Atlantic glacier.  Unfortunately for my fellow inhabitants of the American South, Fur coats, tri-layered sweaters, suede parkas, and seal-skinned boots are a bit in the red zone of "Insanely Unpractical" for our simply nonexistent season called "Fall." (Texans will know this season as "Slightly Less Like Standing in Fire.") 

So for those of us on this side of the Siberian wilderness that may be at a loss as to how to incorporate modern Fall/Winter style into our brief and mild Cooler season, here's a few pieces to keep close at hand and rotate through frequently to ensure you take full advantage of the time of year you no longer have to change your undershirt three times a day.

#1: The Indispensable Blazer 

As demonstrated above and to the right, the absolute staple of the gentleman's fall style is an arsenal of blazers.  Find yourself a sports jacket that is easy to dress up or down--i.e. avoid silk or anything overly shiny....just keep it casual and fitted.  Once you've found your go-to fall blazer, don't be afraid to venture out of "white-dress-shirt-only" territory and experiment with layering.  Rock it with a v-neck shirt like the one pictured above or a wicked cool henley like the one pictured right.  And don't forget to punch up your look with a casual pocket square in a complimentary color.  It's a minor detail, but it'll set you light-years ahead of that black-polyester blazer/vintage rock t-shirt look that all your desperately trying friends are sporting.  Check out these from my favorite Euro style store, Zara, who just launched online shopping in the US.

#2: Stick Your Neck Out

Other than the obvious benefit of being able to hide my scarily lanky frame under a facade of winter layers, there's little else I look forward to more about fall style than being able to bust out some of my scarves.  For some reason I've never quite been able to pinpoint, rocking a scarf with a blazer instantly gives you a sort of European cool (it could be because that's what it seemed everyone was wearing while I was in London.)  Don't fall into the trap of the overly-trendy, giant bandanna option.  Instead find a nice wool wrap scarf in an interesting plaid or striped pattern that you can easily throw on with any look without having to worry about it clashing with another portion of your duds.  Here's some to get your noodle cooking.

#3 Kicks She'll Fall All Over

While I seriously recommend you grab yourself a pair of suede desert boots like the gentleman in the picture above for those more nippy winter days and nights, a sharp pair of driving shoe moccasins can skyrocket your fall style into fashionisto territory. Nice, crisp cool morning? Throw these on, ditch the socks, and bust 'em out with your best dark jeans, navy blazer, henley, and plaid scarf. I think the women readers of this blog will agree the universe will have trouble containing your effortless swagger. Cold front blow in? Slip on some bright-striped socks that bring some color down to your feet without drawing attention from your stellar kicks. Check out this pair that I just picked from Aldo this weekend in preparation for that elusive Arctic front all of us down here in southeast Texas are searching for.  And to all you Southerners, here's to hoping our Cooler season lasts all the way through January this year!

Making the Cut

Anonymous asked: Hair. What the heck? 

A simple question to be sure. Yet the answer is far from effortless. I believe I speak for all gentlemen (with the possible exception of James Dean, John Hamm, and that Robert Pattingson guy who were all born with god-like, perfect locks) when I say that all of us at one time or another have been plagued with the wretched dilemma of what to do with the unsightly growth mound atop our heads. Curly, straight, wavy, receding all seem to work against us at the least opportune moments of life, tempting us all incessantly to just take it all off and be done with it. Yet somehow, we manage to fight through for the off chance that tomorrow may be that bi-yearly good hair day.  So for those of us determined to gain the victory over our ravenous, rebellious coifs, I've compiled the absolute basic rules for bringing every gentleman as close to harmony with his mane as possible.

#1: Love Thy Barber As Thyself

Once I got old enough to pay someone other than my mother to cut my dynamic do, I made the awful mistake of never returning to the same barber/stylist/follicle technician or what have you. While there's certainly nothing wrong with shopping around for the right man with a set of clippers, in my experience it led to some horrendously bad haircuts--the kind on which you spend hours making it look like you don't care and meant to butcher it to this extreme. Finally, after years of being a salon tramp, I found a stylist who delivers a fantastic cut and intelligent conversation in a convenient 15 minute package for the right price. I guess what I'm getting at is, settle down. Find a barber who treats you right and stick with him for life--it take all the stress out of the ordeal when you don't have to worry about planning events two-weeks after a possible disaster of a buzz.

#2 Don't Park on the Wrong Trend   

I get it, I get it. You're older now and don't have time to keep up with the latest trends in fashion and style so you just rock what you had going on back in your prime years as every lady's dream man. The problem is...you parked your style on perhaps the most hideous and downright inhumane trend the third planet from our sun has ever seen. Sure, everyone just loves your stories about the "Playa" days when you were hot stuff on the strip, but 30 years has taken a toll on the old physique, eyesight, and balding remains of your vomit-inducing mullet and mutton-chop combo. No, you're not "bringing it back" or "paying homage to the Old Days," you're simply creating hours of entertainment for the faithful readers of PeopleOfWalmart.com. But if you or someone you love is a victim of this travesty, don't blame yourself--blame the barber you've visited for the last 30 years that has allowed you to maintain this style blasphemy. And in fact, maybe you should thank him for letting you walk around looking like a cast member from Deliverance all these years by taking him out on a nice afternoon drive. Then simply park on a railroad crossing, and leap from the vehicle as the speeding freight train teaches your insidious barber a lesson.

#3 Keep it Sharp, and Classic  

The trick to rocking exceptionally cool hair that is the rage all over the style world right now is looking like a 60s movie star even when you're off duty (See John Hamm, above).  Keep your hair cut close and short along the sides and back and then let it grow long up top. Add a small dash of styling cream and just let your locks go tousled--the result is that effortless cool look of greats like James Dean and Paul Newman. But perhaps the coolest part about this modern trend is that it demonstrates a retreat-to-basics by the style world, if only for a while. So here's the ultimate rule: We all know at some point in our late 70s we may not want to be combing through the latest GQ to find the most audaciously trendy haircut for the fall season of 2048. Style parking is inevitable to some degree. The key is, when you park on the hairstyle you're going to be buried in, go with something classic--the go-to gentlemanly cut that speaks for itself (and for your head shape). See Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, JFK in the 60s, or the close-cropped do's rocked by everyone from Jason Statham to Justin Timberlake. Remember: Fashion may come and go, but style never dies. Watch your head gentleman, and keep it as sharp on the outside as it is on the inside.